It’s a familiar feeling for many of us. The knotted rope that binds itself unforgiving in the core of our being, and the fire that burns in the chest denying the heart its desire to project it’s own warmth. Anxiety does not feel pleasant or kind. It feels oppressive and strong, holding us tight as we fight to escape it.
Since leaving the ashram 4 days ago, the effects of my daily practice have become more pronounced. The space created there has given way for a set of suppressed ideas and beliefs that have scarred my own subconscious to surface and present themselves. I’ve kind of been ignoring their arrival but I figured they were going to keep chasing me around until I said hello, so this morning, I sat uncomfortably with these strangers to ask who they were and where they had come from.
When I really sit with my anxiety, I imagine myself acknowledging it with someone I love and trust, who I know will listen to me and reassure me that everything is all well and good with the world. Usually, it’s my mum, or a close friend who knows me really well. So today, far far far from home, I pictured myself speaking with a couple of people who are really special to me and opened my heart to hear their response.
It’s funny how it happens, but after a couple of minutes of breathing and surrendering to the discomfort that surrounded me, I relaxed into the conversation and realised I just wanted to be loved unconditionally, for all my faults and flaws. For all my anxieties and worries. For all my highs and lows. For all the times I accidentally say or do something I should probably not have said or done.
If, like me, you have ever learned to believe that you are not good enough, not worthy enough, not strong enough, to handle life’s demands, self acceptance is a powerful antidote. It’s a difficult trait to follow when we spend our lives listening to other people and seeking approval from those around us, but you just have to ask yourself, ‘good enough for what?’ Not good enough to apply for that job? Not good enough to date that person? Not good enough to achieve that target? Who’s going to tell you you’re not good enough?
Let me tell you, you might not be ready yet, but you are good enough. If anyone tells you differently, don’t listen! Listen to the people who tell you you can. There are plenty out there who will rally behind you. As long as you put your mind to something and give it your best shot, you will always find what you need to bring your plans to fruition. Otherwise, perhaps its just not meant to be, and another opportunity will come along at the right time. The world is magic like that. Wherever you are, keep going and enjoy the ride because there is a beautiful sunset made just for you at the top of the climb.